Speaking Up


Daybook, 1/19/2016

For today…

Outside my window… Snow, snow, snow, snow (et neige).
I am thinking… about Tom’s health and what it will mean for us in the short term.
I am thankful for… my friends.
From the kitchen… peanut butter sandwiches.
I am wearing… black suit with black and white blouse.
I am reading… Harry Potter fanfiction on SIYE (Sink Into Your Eyes).
I am hoping… that the doctors will be able to help Tom.
I am creating… nothing at the moment.
I am praying… for patience, peace and strength
Around the house… cleaning, cleaning, toujours cleaning 🙂
One of my favorite things… Sleep; very precious to me.

Not planning any further out than today … hope I don’t have issues with getting home today like yesterday’s!

I’m gonna love you forever …

I’ve never seen this e.e. cummings poem before; a friend of mine on Facebook (Thanks, Dale) posted it as a comment and I just found it so beautiful, I wanted to share it.

My husband and I will have been married 23 years come May 22. We’ve been through some not-so-great times (I think of the Orleans song “Still The One” … “sometimes I never want to see you again”), some lovely times and lots of days that just were. He’s been ill lately and all the kerfluffle of the hospital is stressful and sometimes frightening.

The bottom line is, despite everything, I still love him very much.  This poem does a great job of expressing that.

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                                      i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

And now, the end is near …

2015 is about to go into the books and I hardly remember it happening.

The biggest thing this year has been my husband’s health problems, exacerbated by his not wanting to have the MRI he needs to have so his health issues can be (hopefully) diagnosed with specificity.

In 2015:

  • We moved, although we didn’t mean to (LONG story);
  • Our car was vandalized;
  • I changed jobs;
  • Tom was in the hospital and then the rehab place and under therapy when he came out, for a total of about 2 months’ worth of health care;
  • I pretty much quit writing for almost the whole year.

There’s almost certainly something else I’ve forgotten, but can you blame me?

I don’t know what to expect from 2016.  I just hope it’s better, but when I review the world we live in, I kinda doubt it.  Hope it’s better for you.

Bibbledy, Bobbledy, Boo

I’m having an exceedingly good, very silly day.  And that bothers me.

Am I the only one who gets worried when things seem to be going well? Too well, maybe?  I get convinced that I’ll be all happy and the next thing I know, something will go terribly wrong.  I know, I’m nuts.  You don’t have to tell me that.

There used to be a TV show called “Murphy Brown”, with Candace Bergen.  One ep was about the family of her friend and co-worker, Frank Fontana (sorry – can see the face of the actor who played him, but can’t remember his name).  Frank doesn’t want to go to his folks’ house for some event — their anniversary, I think — because his parents always think the worst.

IIRC, Frank and his siblings go in together on a cruise for his parents. And sure enough, they start talking about all the things that are going to go wrong and Frank loses it.  His parents, taken aback, explain that they feel that if they have too much good luck or good feeling, that life will punish them for it.  That may not be exactly what they said, but it’s the gist of it.

I don’t  believe that, not really.  And I know a lot of my anxiety is based on the day my dad died.  I was kind of drifting at that point and I was selling Tupperware.  There was a sales rally that day (you can’t imagine what these things were like unless you did them, and you may not even be able to even if you did).  I had always thought these rallies were silly, but that day I was in a good mood and just thought “Oh, heck, why not? Let’s just lose all the rest of my marbles and have a good time.”  About thirty minutes later, the secretary came to get me for a phone call (from my mom) and life as I had known it to that point changed forever.

I’ve never forgotten that rollercoaster sensation.  I doubt I ever will. And it has colored my life for me — sometimes for good reason, even if the changes between happy and sad weren’t quite so catastrophic.

So while my rational mind smacks me like Cher slapped Nicolas Cage in “Moonstruck” and says “Snap out of it!” I will continue to feel guilty about being happy.  Even though I know I shouldn’t.


Workin’ so hard like a soldier, can’t afford a single defeat …

It’s hard not to see Big Pharma in this country as one massive, ugly joke.

When I last changed jobs, I was paying $25 a month for my husband’s most important prescription.  It didn’t come in a generic because Uncle Sugar decided to reward the pharma company with 3 more years of brand-name sales.  When it finally did become generic, I was still responsible for paying almost $400 a month under my new job’s coverage.  I was almost literally buying it by the pill – well, actually, by the week – because I couldn’t afford the lump sum amount.

Finally, I found a legit discount card online that brought the price down.  The catch was, since I had already put my insurance on file at the pharmacy we’d gone to forever, they wouldn’t apply the discount card instead.  So I wound up going to the “unnamed major national warehouse chain” the discount card suggested (read: “C****o” 🙂 You fill in the blanks.)

For a while, I spent about $100 a month – close to the previous weekly amount I’d paid at our pharmacy with insurance coverage.  After a few months, they got a new supplier and I was paying more like $70 a month.  Yet another new supplier, and for about five months, it’s been slightly less than $40 a month.  By the way – if I was still paying through insurance not much had changed.  I can’t imagine what people do who are stuck paying straight cash.  I saw one place sell a month’s worth for about $2,500.

I’m in a new situation now, and on January 1, I’ll find out if I can afford it on my insurance or if that “warehouse” and I will stay good friends.

Why am I bringing this up?  Because I have to wait until January 1 on my new job to get coverage, I’m paying cash prices, and once again, it’s nuts.  I have three other prescriptions my husband needs.  Two of them were at our local Wal-Mart pharmacy and even on a cash basis, we’re paying less than $10 for both.

The other prescription is at that “other” pharmacy.  I called to refill it last night.  After telling me I could pick it up in an hour, she asked if I wanted to know what it cost.  Under insurance, I’d been paying about $1.25.  I figured, well, it could be $10 now, so I said yes.  Cost: over $30.  After I recovered from fainting, I asked what it would cost to get two days’ worth, figuring I could transfer it to the warehouse or to Wal-Mart.  Cost for two days’ medicine: $11.99.  I told the lady at the pharmacy to forget it.

A quick drive across the street to the Evil Empire (well, I know some people see it this way) and a nice lady at the drop-off window took my husband’s information and told me to come back in a half-hour.

When I returned, the prescription was ready.  Cost: (drumroll please) $5.33.

I know a lot of people don’t like Wal-Mart and there are probably some good reasons for that.  But for those of us who aren’t paid members of the Rockefeller family (let alone a Gates, Jobs or Zuckerberg), the ability to get things we can’t do without is priceless.  Until you’re in a “have to do what I have to do” situation, you cannot possibly understand.  If you actually have money left from your last check after the next payday, I’m guessing this is not part of your worldview either.

For me, I’m just glad my husband has his medicine.

You gotta be …

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm, you gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

I understand why people stop reading the news.  Not only do I not trust major news outlets (and many of the ‘minor’ ones) but the news is so depressing that I find myself tuning it out in frustration.

Major shooting here, another one there — and just hang on, there’ll be another one soon. 😦

Father kills mother and children.  Children try to kill mother. Mother’s boyfriend beats child to death.  Toddlers put their brother in the oven.

I realize that our 24/7 exposure to everything that happens as soon as it happens means we hear things that would once have passed us by, and that hardly any of it is “new”.  We just hear about it more.

Suppose I wouldn’t mind hearing if I could do something.  I pray, of course, and (despite the mockery of the New York Daily News) that’s no small thing. I understand in theory why convents and monasteries were created to pray for the world and those in it — I could spend all day praying.  But I want to do more, and due to time, resources and personal obligations, I can’t.

Never has the world needed Jesus more, and never was it so likely to reject Him.  I used to be able to talk to people who didn’t believe and at least get a courteous or neutral discussion going.  Now, it’s a matter of anger, insults and rejection, almost without exception.  Things, as Dr. Dimble said, are coming to a point.  There’s no “give” any more — except in the worst way imaginable.

Lord Jesus, come quickly.  It’s only going to get worse.  And in the meantime, please give me courage to do what is right in YOUR eyes, not mine.  I don’t have any interest in being Laodicean.

You gotta be …