A new post wherein I share thoughts on Cowardice of the emotional variety

I love someone very much.

If you have read my blog before this, you may know that already, in which case, you’re one up on the man I love.

It’s hard to understand why we will share almost anything about ourselves — tastes in food, what we did last night, our political/religious/sexual or other leanings — but we can’t share the good stuff, unless we’re completely sure about the person we’re sharing to. Or of course, it’s a disinterested third party that we have a reasonable trust towards.  Like you, dear reader. 🙂

I know in my case, it’s a desire to preserve the status quo. Unsatisfying as this remote-control friendship is, it’s better than completely losing touch, and I’m terrified that if I told him how I feel, he’d dash away (as I have said before) like a gazelle scenting a lion. This way, I can at least love him from a distance. Odd as it may seem, loving him is a comfort when the other parts of my life fall apart.

Still, one day I hope I will stop being a coward and tell him… Just don’t count on it.


Love is Blindness…

‘”Love is drowning
In a deep well
All the secrets
And no one to tell…”

U2, “Love is Blindness”

I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking about and praying for a lot of friends. My contemporaries and I have started to hit the age where parents and even siblings are encountering serious, even life-ending, illness. While I’ve already had my adoptive mom and dad pass, and seen my sister through some health scares, I still (not being an island) am connected to what those around me are going through.  And I still have some involvement with my birth father. To make a long story a little shorter, I’ve spent a lot of time pondering mortality lately. But that’s not what this post is about.

I have one particular friend who means a lot to me.  No.  I’m tired of being a coward about my feelings — although part of me is glad that my friend doesn’t have time to read blog posts. 🙂  This person is special to me in a major way. And again I’m not being straight up about this.  I love him very much. And right now, he’s helping to see his dad through cancer treatment, as well as running his businesses and taking care of his family on a day to day basis.  Also, I think — though he’s never confirmed it and I won’t press him about it — that he is dealing with health issues of his own.  If you ask him, he’ll say he’s fine and then change the subject to ask you how you’re doing.  He’s that kind of guy.

I’ve never told him how I feel.  I never will. Not that he sees me that way — at most I’m just a nice person he talks to on the Internet — at worst, I’m probably a major pest. 🙂 And I have commitments, too, that preclude this being anything but a long-distance friendship; promises I intend to keep, although there are days when I could cheerfully walk away from them. Sometimes it all gets to be too much. But I keep on keeping on.  And for my friend, I express my love the only way I can — by not saying anything at all. Just to be there as much as is possible, to hold him in my heart and pray for him.

Some times love is muteness, too.