I’m having an exceedingly good, very silly day. And that bothers me.
Am I the only one who gets worried when things seem to be going well? Too well, maybe? I get convinced that I’ll be all happy and the next thing I know, something will go terribly wrong. I know, I’m nuts. You don’t have to tell me that.
There used to be a TV show called “Murphy Brown”, with Candace Bergen. One ep was about the family of her friend and co-worker, Frank Fontana (sorry – can see the face of the actor who played him, but can’t remember his name). Frank doesn’t want to go to his folks’ house for some event — their anniversary, I think — because his parents always think the worst.
IIRC, Frank and his siblings go in together on a cruise for his parents. And sure enough, they start talking about all the things that are going to go wrong and Frank loses it. His parents, taken aback, explain that they feel that if they have too much good luck or good feeling, that life will punish them for it. That may not be exactly what they said, but it’s the gist of it.
I don’t believe that, not really. And I know a lot of my anxiety is based on the day my dad died. I was kind of drifting at that point and I was selling Tupperware. There was a sales rally that day (you can’t imagine what these things were like unless you did them, and you may not even be able to even if you did). I had always thought these rallies were silly, but that day I was in a good mood and just thought “Oh, heck, why not? Let’s just lose all the rest of my marbles and have a good time.” About thirty minutes later, the secretary came to get me for a phone call (from my mom) and life as I had known it to that point changed forever.
I’ve never forgotten that rollercoaster sensation. I doubt I ever will. And it has colored my life for me — sometimes for good reason, even if the changes between happy and sad weren’t quite so catastrophic.
So while my rational mind smacks me like Cher slapped Nicolas Cage in “Moonstruck” and says “Snap out of it!” I will continue to feel guilty about being happy. Even though I know I shouldn’t.