Looking (or not) into 2015

The last six months or so, I have to say that life has not been good.

There are lots of words to describe it — ennui, apathy, depression, burn out, accidie … take your pick.

My first impulse is to blame it on my age.  You know, menopause and all that. But I don’t think that’s it.  Even though on the surface I can’t get my life started, underneath, I feel as if there are ideas and goals that I could aim for, if I could only get to them.  And if I only wanted to.

It’s too bad, really, because Tom’s been so amazingly awesome lately.  I feel bad that I have no energy to give him.

The bottom line is, I don’t care.  I have to remind myself that I need a job to pay the bills.  I would give so much to have enough money to pay off the past due stuff and have enough to live simply on.  I hate myself, I hate my job, I hate my life.

The people I made the mistake of thinking of as friends online ignore me.  It drives me mad. If it’s because I’m vocally Christian and politically conservative, I’m sorry.  That’s me.  I don’t turn my back on you because we don’t agree.  Why don’t I get the same courtesy?

Tom and my belief that self-destruction is against being a Christian are the only two reasons I’m still around.  And 2015’s not looking any better.

4 thoughts on “Looking (or not) into 2015

  1. I hope you find your mojo soon. I don’t know you, but I don’t like to hear anyone suffering like this. It might be your age. It might be burnout. But it also might be clinical. Have you talked to a doctor about how you’re feeling?

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