Weight Loss, Round II: Issues

I am continuing to see the scale go down.  Slowly, mind you, but down.  I have been working out but I need to be a little more consistent.  Periodically I wind up not getting to work out, due to workload or money or other things, and that doesn’t help.  But I’m down over 4% (4.17%, to be precise) and I’m proud of that.  Hopefully I will get the workout thing resolved and I’ll see more progress.  It also wouldn’t hurt if I learned a little patience while I was at it, either.  The entitled part of me thinks that because I’m both working out and eating better, the weight should just fall off, and it’s not going to happen that way.

One of the things I’ve changed about my eating is that I’m cooking my own food.  For a while now, I’ve been concerned about how much sodium I’ve been taking in — I mean, yes, Stouffers and Michelina’s and all are less than 350 calories (much less, in some cases) but they pack a 600mg to > 1000mg salt punch.  That’s a lot for one meal.  Heck, it’s a lot for one day, really.  Also, I wanted to “eat fresh”, to get real vegetables and leaner protein into my meals.  So I found a recipe for quinoa/black bean chili.  I made it with Giant Eagle’s organic black beans, which are low in sodium to begin with and I drained and rinsed them, which had to help a little more.  And the last time I got paid, I went to the farmer’s market in South Russell and bought beef that was grass-fed, which is much leaner.  The end result, which included tomatoes, bell peppers (red and green), onions, garlic and corn, wound up being 350 calories a serving and an amazing 93mg of sodium.

BTW, I know what the calorie, fat, etc. count is thanks to:  http://caloriecount.about.com/cc/recipe_analysis.php.  You can just type your recipe in and it parses it and lets you adjust it and then creates a “label” like the ones we’re used to seeing on food.

One thing I am having trouble with is how I feel about myself.  I would generally say I don’t hate myself because of my weight (no, I’ve got lots of other reasons to, but not because of that … :))  But I still find myself struggling on two levels.  One is my — anger? depression? regret? — that I left this so long.  Even if I lose every pound I want to and in a reasonable time, I’m still 50. I will never be young and attractive. I know I can’t do anything about that but it still hurts in a big way.

The other thing is, oddly, something I never minded all that much before.  I’m 5’9″, or thereabouts (depends on the time of day and how my posture is, among other things). A week or so ago, I went to pick up my new cell phone at UPS.  In front of me were two 20-somethings (or maybe younger).  They were about 5′ (if that), blonde, curvy and I suspect most guys would say they were attractive.  All of a sudden I felt like the female equivalent of Littlejohn (from Combat!). I always enjoyed being tall before, but suddenly I wished that God had made me a little shorter.  I can’t help that, either, but it was depressing, too.  Please feel free to kick me and tell me to get with the program and be happy with who I am.

(since 7/6/2011: .61%; since 3/1/2011: 4.17%)


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