While there is time …

One of the things about getting older (and, in my case, passing 50) is a keen awareness of how little time, relatively, is left in one’s mortal life.

I mean, three of my four grandparents lived to be 90 or more, so I suppose theoretically I could be just at the halfway point of my life. But I’ve never aspired to be a centenarian. I think of a gentleman of my acquaintance who I heard gave up his favorite activity not so much because he didn’t enjoy it for itself any more, but because when he went to the places where he had taken part in it, he didn’t know anyone there. I’m not sure I want to outlive not only all the people I know and love but the world I grew up in (which is almost gone NOW) and the places I have known.

What I really wanted to talk about is my own perception of how time is slipping away from me. I can feel it sometimes, moment by moment, racing past me while I do nothing. There’s a vicious cycle involved. I am deep in depression, which eats away at my desire to do anything, so I do nothing, which depresses me even more. Etc., etc.

I am being offered help and the chance to change my life.  I am grateful for this. What is holding me back is strictly financial. If I could somehow come up with enough money, my life by the end of this year would be enormously different and, I believe, immensely better.  Maybe not, but the probability is great that it would be.

In the meantime, I feel nothing some days, or feel only bad things — pain, rejection, the effects of verbal abuse and insult — and I know I’m missing out on a lot.  The lyric of a much-loved Stevie Winwood song came to mind today …

“While there is time
Let’s go out and feel everything
If you hold me
I will let you into my dream
For time is a river rolling into nowhere
We must live while we can
And we’ll drink our cup of laughter

The finer things keep shining through
The way my soul gets lost in you
The finer things I feel in m
The golden dance life could be

Oh, I’ve been sad
And have walked bitter streets alone
And come morning
There’s a good wind to blow me home
So time is a river rolling into nowhere
I will live while I can
I will have my ever after

The finer things keep shining through
The way my soul gets lost in you
The finer things I feel in me
The golden dance life could be”

The Finer Things
(c) Steve Winwood

I want my chance at the ‘golden dance life could be’ before it can’t happen any more.

One thought on “While there is time …

  1. Laura says:

    It is difficult to pull yourself out of depression. Hopefully, you are able to use some resources out there to assist you in that. Turning 50, while it was not an issue for me, is a milestone (turning 40 was huge for me).
    If you need to talk – you know where I am.

    Laura (Habbykins)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s