I’ve given some thought to my last post, in part because of something that happened a little while back.
We’d had a fight — a really bad one, my husband and I. He didn’t even want me in the house.
I wound up going outside and sitting in the car, hoping that he’d fall asleep and I could go back in.
What brings this to mind is the bit in the last post about what I do to p**s people off. I realized that night that there wasn’t one single person I knew that I could go to for help or a place to stay. Oh, I suppose I could have gone to someone in my church. But I mean outside of that — there wasn’t anyone that I would feel comfortable asking for help.
I’m not sure if that says more about me than the people I know or not. I told someone I know once that I didn’t like myself and I just assumed that others didn’t either. My sister says it’s part of the damage my marriage has done to my self-esteem.
Maybe we’re both right. Maybe my self-image is so bad that I’m projecting that onto others. Maybe I don’t think enough of myself to feel that I have any right to ask for help. I don’t know about that.
I only know that there are days when it takes everything I have to get out of bed and keep going. It’s pretty sad when someone my age thinks about running away from home, but I do.
The one that hurts the most is one that is my fault. I have a friend on FB that I’ve never met. This friend lives far away from me and I only have acquaintance with them through FB. Rightly or wrongly, this person means a great deal to me. Somewhere around mid-September, one of two posts I made on FB either angered or embarrassed this person. They have blocked me, I’m pretty sure. We used to exchange messages from time to time, or comment on each others’ statuses and I haven’t heard anything for quite awhile from them. (Yes, I know that’s a plural pronoun, but the English language has a better singular neuter pronoun than ‘it’, ‘them’ will have to do.) I can’t even apologize because I’ve never been confronted about my mistake (whichever one – or both – it was). I don’t know how to say “I apologize if I have said or done anything to anger and/or embarrass you” in this circumstance without sounding like an idiot, and probably making things worse.
If I can’t even manage to keep a friend who’s never met me, I suppose it’s no wonder that those who have can’t be kept either. And that’s pretty sad.