“My friends ask me how I’m doin’
But I just can’t lie to ’em
Not feelin’ fine today …”
Marc Cohn, Miles Away
I know part of what’s wrong for me right now is the time of year. I’ve written about this before, about how my mom, dad and grandma all died this time of year within four years of each other. Finally figured this out last night, when I was feeling as though I had lost something precious and suddenly I realized what it was.
But that’s not all. I’ve done or said something wrong again and some people who were talking to me aren’t now. I really hate myself sometimes — I never mean to do anything to hurt people and I try so hard not to do the things that cause problems, but sometimes I open my mouth and nonsense comes out or something and I find that I’ve done ‘it’ again.
The creative things in my life, drawing and writing, are the only things that get me through a lot of days. Today’s going to be rough, because I won’t get to do either. It’s raining outside right now; I see the drops spattering on the window and it feels like all the tears I can’t cry because it wouldn’t be professional to do it at work.
Take care, all of you. I hope you have someone to love you and keep you warm.