I’m finding life a little hard going right at the moment.
There have been a number of things I have been, well, kinda ‘cruising’ on. Stuff that has given me a lot of joy over the past several months. But for the past couple of weeks, it’s been a lot more of fighting off depression than surfing the ‘happiness waves’.
I’m sure a lot of it is dealing with Tom’s hypomania. I have this theory that people’s personalities tend to divide into two camps: cats and dogs. People with ‘cat’ personalities can be social and don’t actively hate it, but they need their own space and time, just like our feline friends.
Dogs, on the other hand … well, in my experience with dogs (which, to paraphrase Dr. Watson, ‘extends over many puppies and three separate households’), if you don’t praise a dog roughly every 15 minutes or so (which is their approximate memory span) they think you no longer love them. Dogs need people, and they need them often.
In our household, Tom’s the dog and I’m the cat. I can’t get Tom to “go away” in any form, no matter how kind or gentle, which doesn’t cause him extreme anxiety, even if he’s not “up”. And that means that I can rarely get the space I need. Even the time I spend on my bus rides to and from work becomes valuable and cherished because I can at least pop on the headphones and let my mind “[wander] where it will go”. When he’s like he is now, even sleep is problematic. So I know this is part of it. But it’s not all.
I’ve been working on this story that I felt pretty good about. But a really nice person in our fandom (who was only going to look at the French and Cajun for me) wound up doing a pretty good beta on it, and if I’m going to make it work, I’m going to have to “kill my darlings”, as Stephen King put it. Right now, I don’t feel up to that. It’s always discouraging to start over, and right now, I don’t even want to do the ‘start’, let alone the ‘over’.
In fact, I really don’t want to do anything, except maybe find a nice deep hole and dive in. And pull in the hole after me.
Why can’t life be easier?