I just realized something about myself that bothers me.
A friend of mine on Facebook is going for a scan today. She has been cancer-free for one year and this is a check up for that. I commented that I would pray for her and I did.
What I realized when I was done was that I had prayed for her and then added (I believe Scripturally) “May it be according to Your Will.’ That’s fine, but there is another area in my life that I pray about (and someone I pray for) almost constantly. I think it’s safe to say that this area/person is the subject of the focus of a lot (probably too much) of my life right now. And I realized that this doesn’t seem to be a part that I am willing to be quite so submissive about.
It’s not that I can’t remember saying “Your Will be done”. The problem is that I am also wheedling like a little kid who wants to stay up past their bedtime. Something on the order of: “Lord, I know it should be according to Your Will, but please don’t let anything happen and please let me get a chance to witness and please let him be loved, happy, well and safe and please let him be okay and …” It really bothers me to realize that I don’t trust the Lord enough to realize that if this IS from Him and he has put all these things into my life to put me in a position to witness to this person, that He will make it come about. I should be content to ask for this person to be well, etc. and then leave it in the Lord’s hands.
I’ve found myself falling into a kind of sad trap, actually. Some of the worst times of my life have come after incredibly good times. I just told someone else on the newer Combat! fanfiction group that I believed her husband’s good day with his mother (who had Alzheimers and passed away shortly after) was a gift from the Lord. I do believe that. But apparently I only believe it happens to other people. The good things that have happened to me as a part of my Combat! fandom — including an incredible creative burst and meeting a lot of believers who are planning to create a separate Combat! prayer group and have been wonderfully encouraging to me — are apparently signs of the Apocalypse, rather than a gift from a loving Father. Sometimes I wonder why He doesn’t just thwop me upside the head with a giant pike (obligatory Veggie Tales Jonah movie reference).
I guess what I’m really thankful for is that His grace isn’t dependent on my perfection and that despite my failings and flaws, He loves me anyway. To paraphrase Michael W. Smith’s song, I have been a lot of things, but I have never been unloved. Deo Gratia!